I miss you so much today sweetheart, I miss you every day. Mommy can't fight any more baby, Im tired :-( My heart is gone and my spirit is broken, I can't think about it any more. Every day I think about the last day I saw you, and I remember thinking I don't want to do this, I don't want to be here, but then you did not want to be there either little one. What would we ever be doing in a coffin or a creamatorium ? Not us sweetheart, we would not be there ever. I remember you, lying there in your little white coffin looking very serious :-( I rememberd not really understanding why you were there, and I was scared baby, I was scared to touch you :-( I love you so much, how can I be afraid to touch you, the most happy I ever was, was kissing you and touching you and holding you and listening to you singing your sweet little songs. I am gardening for you, and I keep telling myself it will get better, but it doesn't baby, you are still not back home. Every day I get upset, it gets harder and harder to go outside, it gets even harder to stay at home, it's hard to work, it's hard to see people, it's hard to brush my teeth or comb my hair. Every day I understand less and less why I have to get up and go in the morning. I used to fight for you and your brothers, but they are growing up sweetheart and they are leaving us behind, and before it didn't matter because you and I had each other. We would always have each other :-(. You would be my everything long after they had left home and made lives for themselves. Now I have nothing sweetheart, and I MISS YOU SO MUCH, you don't watch tv with me any more, you don't bath with me any more, you don't brush your teeth with me any more, I can't do you hair any more, I can't make your favourite food any more, I can't hold your little hands and tell you beautiful you are any more. I don't want to do anything any more. Every day I think, how bad life was before I had you sweetheart, you made everything bright and colourfull, you made me happy and you made bad days worthwhile. I remember when I was tired in the afternoons, I just looked over to you sitting next to me, and you would be singing and looking out your window, and your little hand on my lap and you would smile and make kisses in the air, and I knew my life was worth something because you loved me. And in that moment I found enough strength to go home cook dinner, do the laundry and get up tomorrow morning and start all over again. And I taught you to wink your eyes at me :-( you are absolutely gorgeous. How can someone so special and perfect be taken from me like this ? I was happy, I was content, yes the going was hard but it was worthwile because you were going with me. I can't do this baby, it gets harder every day, I don't know what I am doing here any more, I don't like anything any more, I don't get worried any more, I am not thankfull any more, I have no strength left, and as for things getting better, you are not here, how can anything ever get better again ? It wasn't your time baby :-( it wasn't our time to die sweetheart, we still had so much to do and see, I still wanted to show and teach you so many things. There are so many places we still had to go and so many games we still had to play. This week it will be three months since you left me sweetheart :-( 3 months ! I can't make it three months without you baby, how am I going to get through the rest of my life without you ??? I can't sleep, I can't stop smoking, I don't care what I say to people, I just want them to shut up and leave me alone. Now when I get angry I get very angry, I can't cut people slack, but then I did that before and look what they did to you ? :-( I blame the hospital where you were born and ofcourse they are going to get away with it, the staff on duty that night are going on with their lives as if nothing happend. Do they know that you wanted to go to an ordinary school when you were 7 years old ? Do they realise that you ran after your brothers one morning, you were so excited and I had to run and catch you and you asked me "why mommy" and you were crying and you didn't want to go to your special school, you wanted to go to school like all the other little girls your age ?. No they don't, but you settled in little one and you made the best of your situation, you found little things that made you happy and you stuck with them. You were my little thing that made me happy baby, I am not like you, I can't be happy with little things, I need you sweetheart. Never never did I think I would ever be without you, I was even thinking of your sixtheenth birthday sweethear, what dress, how long your hair would be, which songs, how many people, size of your cake. Now all I have are dreams :-( broken dreams. I remember how you smelled and how it felt to hold you and kiss you, and for a second you are back in my arms and everything is allright. And then this whole weekend all I think about is how you will be forever 10 years old :-( We didn't know that this would be your last birthday baby, I miss you so much, I remember all the special little things you always did. And I remember missing you during the day when I was at work and how happy I was to get you from school in the afternoon,and I would kiss you and look at you and look at you and kiss you. Many days I tell myself you are only visiting someone and that you will be back any day now, but you are not comming back are you sweetheart ? :-( I can't do this anymore baby, I don't care about allot of things anymore, I just want to sit still and disapear into nothingness baby, I don't want to go to work anymore, I don't want to cook dinner any more, I don't want to buy things any more, I don't want to get out of bed and I don't want to stay in it. I want to just be with you, or be no more, every day it gets worst, you are my everything baby, remember I used to tell you this almost every day, it is true sweetheart, I long to be where you are baby. All my mother ever taught me sweetheart is that one wants to be dead, that for a long time is all I ever wanted, until you came along baby, you are special, you are mine you make me happy you make life worthwile. I can't fight another day without you sweetheart, I can't do it :-(